Police chief goes downhill to absurdity

By Calvin Palmer

The British House of Commons Culture Committee is reviewing the 24-hour drinking law in Britain.
 
The members of the committee, Members of Parliament, are hearing testimony from the usual suspects – senior police officers and leading members of the Police Federation.
 
It is police officers who stand in the front line when the consumption of alcohol leads to anti-social behavior on the streets of Britain’s towns and cities.  Because pubs and bars can close at whatever time they choose, rather than the fixed 11 p.m. of old, police resources are being stretched.
 
The vice chairman of the Police Federation, Simon Reed, told the Committee: “At times policing is being really stretched, often in the smaller towns more than in the bigger cities.
 
“My impression of many market towns is they are really like the Wild West on occasion because they are really stripped of resources.”
 
Chief Inspector Adrian Studd, representing the Association of Chief Police Officers, said: “The actual levels of crime and disorder remain the same but, across the piste, crime and disorder has decreased earlier in the evening but increased in the early hours.  People still keep getting drunk.”
 
“Across the piste!”  I take it Chief Insp Studd was breathalysed to make sure that he wasn’t.
 
What kind of talk is that from one of Her Majesty’s constabulary?  I am not aware Britain boasts a swathe of Alpine ski resorts.
 
Or is “piste” the latest buzz word in management jargon?
 
Maybe he has just returned from a skiing holiday but I would have thought it is a bit too early for that.  There won’t be much snow on the pistes of the Alps just yet.  Give it another month.
 
If he is going to use a holiday reference, “across the beach” would be more appropriate.  And if he is determined to show just how cosmopolitan he, maybe “across the plage” or “across the playa” would be better.
 
Perhaps Chief Insp Studd should have kept to the Wild West theme and talked of “across the prairie,” “across the border” or even “across the sierra,” if he has got a thing about slopes.
 
From where I am sitting, he sounds like Wyatt Twerp.  The usual expression is the tried and trusted “across the board.”  It is plain and to the point and stops people like me from being piste off by nonsense to the point of absurdity.
 
[Based on a report by The Daily Telegraph.]